song 8

You know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you.
You came along just like a song
and brightened my day,
Who'd've believed that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away.
And now you know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile.
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.
And you see,
I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you.

love is...

Meditations for Miracles #2

Yesterday's meditation:


The Softness of Acceptance

Sometimes there are no satisfactory answers.
Sometimes life makes no sense.
Sometimes you must sit with unknowing.
It may seem as if everything you have ever known has left you.
Somple numbers don't compute.
The earth isn't round anymore.
There is no reason to eat.
There is no reason not to eat.
There is no reason.
As you sit with this unknowing and stop trying to figure things out, a slow comfort begins.
If you don't turn to bitterness to escape the unknowing, a softness develops.
This is the softness of acceptance.
It will gradually envelope you if you don't fight it.
Acceptance is coming to terms with the unknowing.
You learn to live through the traumas of having your beliefs destroyed.
You learn to sit within, and walk through a nonsensical world.
Eventually, you discover gravity again.
You discover that if you drop something, it falls to the earth.
There are natural laws.
Order does exist.
Until you come again to the place of unknowing and must learn to accept all over again.


I'm definitely not there yet, but it gives me hope.

songs 3 and 4

I heard two songs on the radio this morning on the way to work, and I cried most of the drive. First was "Just When I Needed You Most"

Now I love you more than I loved you before
And now where I'll find comfort - God knows
'Cause you - Left Me Just When I Needed You Most

Just when I arrived at work, "Seasons in the Sun" was playing, and I had to turn off the tears. The worst line is

Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to die...

I'm crying as I write these words. When does the crying stop?

Meditations for Miracles

My Step-aunt Diane L. Ross wrote a book, "Meditations for Miracles", which I read every day. This is yesterday's meditation.

Grief

Grief is not to be resolved, grief is to be endured.
There is no comfort for a child who has lost its mother.
There is no comfort for a mother who has lost her child.
This deep sorrow cannot be mollified.
This sadness cannot be cured.
This grief must be lived.
Just as you cannot stop the oceans from crashing on the shores, you cannot stop the waves of sorrow crashing in your heart.
There is nothing to do.
Tears won't wash away grief.
Words provide no relief.
Sleep becomes an absent lover.
There is no peace, no warmth, and no comfort.
As one learns to crawl through this awful pain, there is no desire to see light again.
This overpowering, unending darkness is something we all share.
We have all been there.
Which is why a smile, a hug, a tiny kindness should become your goals: When you can, when you're ready, when grief softens its hold.
Even though at time you may wish that you, too, were dead.
Grief endured is part of life lived.

cabin 1331

Chris and I took a cruise on Carnival Splendor in May 2009. Today I was on the ship looking for luggage, and I walked past our cabin, 1331. I touched the number on the wall, and tried not to cry. We had so much fun on that cruise! I had expected that he and I would be going on many more cruises in the future. It'll be hard to cruise without him.

song 2

How do I

Get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything good in my Life.

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?.

Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And I
Baby I don't know what I would do
I would be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?...

From "How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood

song 1

Sometimes, I hear song lyrics that tell just what I'm thinking. Yesterday I heard "That Ain't No Way To Go" by Brooks and Dunn.

Getting nowhere, I'm tired of thinking
Guess I'll do a little wishful dreaming
And make a whiskey wish upon a star
Train whistle blowing down the tracks
Lonesome sound says she ain't coming back
It's such a cold blow from out of the dark

That ain't no way to go. No, it just ain't right
Don't you think that I deserve to hear you say goodbye
That ain't no way to go. Was it all a lie
After all this time, that ain't no way to go

everywhere I go

Everywhere I go, it seems, I see someplace that reminds me of Chris. Yesterday, it was IHOP on Tustin. The last time I was there was October 2009. Chris and I had tried to go on a comp stand-by cruise, but there were no cabins available. The rest of his family was going to IHOP, so Chris and I met them there. We had a great evening, and Chris and I talked to them about where we should go instead. (We ended up going to Vegas). I wonder how long it will be before I don't think about him everytime I pass someplace that I've been with him?

Amanda's poem

To Chris and Erin:
You meant so much to all of us
You were special and that's no lie
You brightened up the darkest day
And the cloudiest sky
Your smile alone warmed hearts
Your laugh was like music to hear
I would give absolutely anything
To have you well and standing near
Not a second passes
When you're not on our minds
Your love we will never forget
The hurt will ease in time
Many tears I have seen and cried
They have all poured out like rain
I know that you are happy now
And no longer in any pain.
Love you both.

By: Amanda Emery
posted on facebook.com

sad night

I had a sad night last night. Kevin wrote on facebook about missing his brother, and it made me cry. For over an hour, and I couldn't seem to stop. I got pretty mad at Chris, too. I looked at his picture, and said "I hope you're happy." I'm not sure that I'm that angry with him, but it's normal to feel that way on occasion. I had to take a sleeping pill, and then I couldn't wake up today. I was mostly in bed until about 5pm. I hope there won't be many more of these sad nights.

Kevin Emery, facebook.com 4-20-11, 1:30am, "I miss my brother..."

Tommy's

I went to Tommy's in Fountain Valley today, first time that I've been there since Chris died. I had gone there with him many, many times over the years. It was okay. I didn't feel his presence or anything, but I'm sure that he would be okay with me being okay there. I'm not sure when I'll be able to go to Tommy's in L.A. though. We think that's the last place that he went, so it would be very tough to be there, and think about what he must have been thinking about. I wish he was here to go to Tommy's with me again.

talking to a coworker

I was talking to a coworker yesterday morning, and she asked about how the family is doing. Since we had time to talk, I told her about Chris having Asperger's. She said that she is familiar with it, because her sister's 14-year-old son has it too. She said that she would tell her sister about Chris, so that she can "keep an eye on her son." I told her to do more than keep an eye on him. She should assume that he will be suicidal, and act as if he will try to commit suicide at any time. I would say the same to anyone with a family member with Asperger's. Maybe someone else can be saved from this tragedy.

not sleeping again

I'm still not sleeping very well. Five nights now. Last night, instead of going to bed on time, I stayed up and got very tired. Then I started to cry. Once I started crying, then I couldn't sleep. Vicious cycle. I felt very depressed about everything. I felt very alone and isolated, probably like Chris felt, but my depression is because of him. I hate that the main thing I remember about Chris is his death.

Spirit in the Sky

Set me up with the spirit in the sky

That's where I'm gonna go when I die

When I die and they lay me to rest

I'm gonna go to the place that's the best.

lyrics to "Spirit in the Sky"

Christmas morning

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past two nights. I think I know why. Kevin sent me an English paper that he wrote about Chris and Asperger’s, and Christmas morning. He wrote about hearing my sister-in-law Julie talking to someone from the Sheriff’s Department. The next thing he remembers is being with Amanda in her room, and my brother Don came in sobbing, saying “He’s dead. He’s dead.” The pain and grief that Don is feeling is unimaginable. My heart breaks every time I think about him. His life will never be okay again. Like the rest of us. And it makes me mad again. What was Chris thinking? Was he thinking? Did he really think that he would just go away and everything would be okay?

3 months

Yesterday was 3 months since we lost Chris. I felt very sad all day. Don, his dad, wrote on facebook: "Another month has gone by and your room is empty; the house longs for your laugh and we all miss you so very much. Rest peacefully, Chris. You are loved."

Again, I am left with anger and questions and sadness. Did Chris really think that he would just go away, and no one would miss him?

better?

I guess I'm getting better. I don't cry every day, but I still get teary-eyed a few times a day. My chest still hurts, just not as much. My heart, though, still feels like it's been ripped out of my body. I can't believe this has happened. It just can't sink in.

poem 5

From "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

"The forgetting

is difficult.

The remembering,

worse."

poem 4

From "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

A new morning

of a

new life

without you.

So?

There will be others

much finer,

much mine-er.

And until then,

there is me.

And because I treated

you

well.

I like me better.

Also, the sun rises.

poem 3

From "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

It will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

You came.

We loved.

You left.

I will survive until I survive.

And one day I will

find

myself alive again.

My Immortal

Tomasina did "My Immortal" at Disneyland last night, as reported on facebook. Chris had the song on his ipod, so we think that he liked the song, and they played it before his memorial service.

"These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase."

affirmation

My affirmation is "I will survive. My life is worth living." I cried the first two times I said it, but then it got better. Time will tell if it helps.

support group

I went to a support group meeting at Fairhaven today. It was good for me, although I cried through most of it. One woman from Fairhaven was very kind, and hugged me when I got there and before I left. Very nice. The minister talked for a bit, mostly about "affirmations." He suggests having a phrase that you repeat to yourself many times a day, something positive. It's a good idea. I'll be thinking about a good phrase. He mentioned that the normal person has to repeat their story 42 times for it to help them. Wow, 42 times. I've got a lot of talking to do! One woman at my table said that she got good advice from her brother. He told her, "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." She thinks about that now. Every day she tells herself that she's taken another bite out of the elephant. Another woman kinda pissed me off, which is probably good. The minister mentioned something about telling yourself that your life is worth living, and this woman said that she feels that her life isn't worth living, because her husband is gone. I thought to myself, does that mean that my entire life isn't worth living, since I've never been married? Oh well. I'll go back in April. They also gave me a suggestion for a suicide survivors group, so I'll check that out too.

video

I watched one of my youtube videos today. It was from the cruise that Chris and I took in May 2009 on Carnival Splendor. I was following him down the hall to our cabin, then he opened the door and I filmed the inside of the cabin. As I started watching it, I thought to myself "oh, that's Chris", and then it was "oh no, that's Chris." I've seen lots of pictures of him since he died, but this was the first video I've seen of him. He looked just like Chris. The same as always. It made me sad. We'll never go on another cruise again. I had really hoped to see Alaska with him someday.

poem 2

From "How To Survive the Loss of a Love":

all I need is

someone to

talk to

about

you

but

you

are the

only person

I can really

talk to.

trapped.

nightmare

I still feel like I'm living in a nightmare, and I can't wake up.

Mr. Roboto

I have a song finally. See, my friend Theresa died almost 10 years ago, and I have a song that always reminds me of her. There's a song called "Shut Up and Drive" that had lines that we both connected with. Everytime I hear the song on the radio, I think that Theresa is playing it for me. For more than two months, I've been thinking about which song would be Chris'. I thought about and eliminated several, but finally decided on Styx' "Mr. Roboto." Chris loved that song, and I always disliked it, and it made for some interesting conversations. Whenever we would see 80z All Stars, we would talk about which songs they would play, and he always wanted Mr. Roboto. As soon as they started playing it, Chris would get this big grin on his face and would make fun of me. So if we have a song, and if Chris has the ability to play a song for me, it has to be Mr. Roboto.

The Tourist

I went to see The Tourist today, at the dollar theater. There was a great plot twist, and I knew towards the end of the movie that I would have to go back and see it again. As I left the theater, I thought to myself, "Chris would have really liked that movie."

poem

From the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"

To lose you as a

love

was painful.

To lose you as a

friend

is equally painful.

But lost you are.

Two months

It's been two months since we lost Chris. I'm still so incredibly sad almost all the time. Several times a day, sometimes many times a day, I'll realize that I'm never going to see him, and it makes me so sad. It hurts in my chest, and down to my bones. Still.

posthumous degree

Chris' family found out this week that the math department at Cal State Fullerton is going to award him a posthumous degree. It'll be very nice for his family. I'm still shocked to find out that Chris took all his finals just a week and a half before he took his life. Why bother is you're not going to be around? That's what leads us to believe that even though he may have been considering this for a long time, the choice of date was a recent decision.

Chris was my friend

I realized last night/this morning that one of the reasons that I'm so upset about Chris' death is that I haven't just lost a family member, I also lost a friend. Chris and I were friends too. We spend a lot of time together, going to movies and other places. We even went on a week-long cruise, and had a wonderful time together. We had so many more things to do...

tattoo

Julie got a tattoo. She posted it on facebook today. It's a ribbon with Chris written on it. I don't think I would want a tattoo like hers, but I think I will get one someday. Mom said, though, that no one should make any big decisions for at least a year. I decided that that would be wise, so I'll wait and see how I feel after a year.

If I Could Turn Back Time

At lunch today, my co-workers were talking about one of them singing "If I Could Turn Back Time" at karaoke. Someone mentioned that it would be wonderful if we could turn back time, and asked when we would want to go back in time to. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to depress our lunch conversation, but I would do anything, absolutely anything to go back two months, and stop this from happening. Anything!

Show Me the Way

Last night, Linda took me to a Dennis DeYoung concert. He did all Styx songs, and it was fun. I realized during the concert that it was the first time that I have had fun in 8 weeks. It was good to enjoy myself, and even better that I realized it while it was happening. One sad moment though. A few songs in, he played "Show Me the Way." This was one of Chris' favorite songs, and it was played before the memorial service. I had a few tears but didn't sob like I would have expected.

Redlands

I went out to Redlands this morning, to the place where Chris died. It was hard, but not as hard as I expected, I guess because there is no physical evidence of him like there is at the cemetery. I needed to go there, even though I knew it wouldn't answer any questions. In fact, I have more questions now. Why did he pick this location? He couldn't have seen it from the freeway, so it was either an accident, or he picked it for a reason. I figured out a couple of places that could have been the exact spot that he died, and I left flowers at both spots. I wish I could understand his thinking. I don't think I'll need to go back there very often, but I do think I want to drive it at night, in case it looks different. We don't know if he went directly from home, or if he went to Tommy's first, so I may have to try that itinerary also.

denial

I got two books today about surviving the loss of a loved one. Both mention that "denial" is one of the stages of grief. I don't think I've gotten past that one, because I still can't believe that this happened. I shake my head several times a day in disbelief. One of the books has a chapter for survivors of death by suicide, and I think it's going to help.

Valentine's decorations

I went to the cemetery today, first time since January 10. The marker isn't there yet. I wonder how long it takes? I left a Valentine's balloon that says "I love you" and some flowers. Most of the flowers at the store were pinks and pastels for Valentine's Day, which Chris would have hated, so I picked a bunch that had lots of white flowers. Not too girlie, I hope. After I left the cemetery, I heard Living' On a Prayer on the radio. It made me feel better, so I figure it must have been from Chris.

Ben

I cried tonight over an episode of Friends. It was the one when Ross' son Ben was born, and Ross' sister Monica was so excited to meet her new nephew. I remembered the day that Chris was born. He thought about arriving on August 14, so I drove to Torrance in rush-hour traffic, only to find out that his mom Julie had been sent home. He finally got here on August 15, and it was amazing. I never imagined that I would only have 21 years with him. The pain is still unimaginable.

when is closure?

I had an opportunity today to sit in Chris' room, alone, for awhile. I cried, of course. I touched his karate belts, which are still on his wall, and it made me sad all over again. I looked at all of his trophies, and some of his clothes. I heard a mention on TV about closure, and it made me wonder. When will I feel it, and what will it feel like? I know that I can't grieve like this forever, but when will it get better?

DL

It's been a few days since I wrote. Mom was here last week; she wanted to spend time with Don and his family. We all went to Disneyland on Saturday. It was nice to have fun with family, but it was sad too. Chris and I spent a lot of time at the parks. Indiana Jones was one of his favorite rides, and that was the hardest. I guess it's just as well that I don't have an annual pass anymore. I don't know when I'll be able to go back there without crying. Yesterday was the annual Superbowl party. Chris had gone to this party since he was small. He should have been there. Instead, he's been buried for a month.

February

It's February, thank goodness. January is over. What a horrible month.

I saw Airplane! at The Block this evening. The last time I was there was with Chris. He would have loved to have gone with me. How long before I stop thinking about him everywhere I go?

CSF

I drove past Cal State Fullerton today, and I told Chris that he should be there. He should be in the math building, learning, and getting ready to do wonderful things in the world. Instead, I'm crying as I drive down the 57. This is so unfair.

short cut

I tried to go to the movies today (line was too long.) As I got close to the short cut street, I remembered telling Chris about the short cut. We had gone to this theater many times, and then I found out about a short cut from Dad. The first time that Chris and I went after that was last June, and Chris was driving, so I told him which streets to turn on. He was so excited when we got there! He just loved that short cut! We used it a couple more times in June and July, and it never failed to excite him. I just can't match that Chris, so excited about something so small, and the Chris who thought that life didn't hold any joy for him. I wish he could have focused on the joy.

I love you Chris

Every day, I tell Chris that I love him. Out loud. I only hope he hears or feels it.

breathing better

I seem to be breathing better lately. For the first three weeks or so, I didn't seem to be able to take a deep enough breath. Sometimes I would take a breath, and realize that I hadn't been breathing for awhile. I read somewhere that every breath you take has air that has been breathed by every person who ever lived. It helps to think about that, that I'm breathing in Chris' air.

worse today

Physically I feel better today, but I may have overdone it. I went to the computer lab and to class, which is mentally taxing. When I got home, I went for a 30-minute walk, and I cried through most of it. I know it's because I'm tired, and hungry, and sick, but knowing that didn't stop the crying. I'm feeling a little angry with Chris today, which is normal I know, but being angry makes me sadder. Wow, am I messed up.

better today than yesterday

Today has been better, physically better and less crying. Yesterday in Diane's book I read about thinking positive, which doesn't seem possible, but there was one sentence that I thought about. "If you're already in a dark state, think of one positive thing in your life until it becomes magnified into the central focus of your being, until it fills you with light." The only positive thing in my life is that I'm happy that I knew Chris. The thought hasn't exactly filled me with light, but I do feel better.

1 month

Chris died one month ago today. It's been a very hard day. I've cried more today than I had the past week combined. It did occur to me today, though, that regardless of the pain, I'm still glad that I knew Chris, and that I had 21 years with him. The next 21 years are going to unbearably difficult, I know, but I need to try to remember the good things, as well as the tragic ending.

sick

I saw my doctor today, and I have shingles. It's a rash on my forehead and in my scalp, and a big blister on my right eyebrow, and my right eye is swollen about half shut. Shingles is a form of chicken pox. The chicken pox virus stays dormant in your body, and stress can make the virus come back as shingles. I have a huge headache, and most of my face itches. It can cause blindness, and can cause pain for months. It's cost me $124 in medication and an office visit, and I missed work today and will again on Friday, and maybe longer. There will also be at least one more office visit, and possible more medication. All because of the stress of Chris' death. Obviously it never occurred to him that he would cause such physical pain to his loved ones. I wish he had realized it.

rituals

I have a couple of routines that have helped me. One, is that I wish on a star every night. I wish that Chris is at peace, and happy, and knows that he is loved. The other routine is on my daily walk. My paternal grandparents lived in a townhouse really close to where I live, and I pass by it every time I walk. I touch the fence as I walk by, and I ask the relatives who have passed to hug Chris, and make sure that he feels loved. I don't know if it really helps, but it makes me feel better.

flowers

Every day, I have to toss wilted flowers. 10 days ago I collected a bunch of flowers from the arrangements at the gravesite, and I have them in vases all over the house. But now they're dying. Every flower I throw away hurts me. It's silly, because Chris never even saw these flowers, but every dead flower is another pain in my heart. It's just a few hours until 4 weeks, and I still cry everyday. And I still can't believe that he's gone.

an hour and a half

I didn't think about Chris for an hour and a half tonight. That's the longest that I haven't thought about him for the last 26 days. I started a new class tonight, and I had to really concentrate on what the instructor was saying. I realized how long it had been at the break. After that, I felt worse. I don't think that I feel guilty, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. This is so hard.

Chris' sister

Amanda just posted "i miss you so much chris, why did you have to leave?" on facebook. She has written to Chris several times on facebook and on the legacy obituary. You can read the pain in everything she writes, and it hurts me so much. No one should have to endure this much suffering, especially a 16-year-old sister who loved and admired her brother. Why did Chris do this to her? Did he even think about her? Or did he think that she wouldn't care? He was so wrong.

hockey rink

I went to hockey rink today for the first time since Chris died. The last time I was there was to watch Chris play. It was very hard. I kept remembering him skating on the rink, and sitting in the scorers box. It's just inconceivable that I won't see him there again. One nice thing - the rink has a retired jersey with his name that stays in the scorers box that he usually worked. Any of the players can take his jersey to their bench if they want. Kevin had it on his bench during his game, and then one of Chris' former coaches took it for his game. Very cool. It's just sad, though, that Chris never realized how much he was loved.

a call from Carol

My friend Carol called today to see how I'm doing. We talked about what a shock this is to everyone. She said that she is now really worried, since she has boys about Chris' age, who are also very intelligent, like he was. Carol never even knew Chris, yet his suicide has affected her life. One wrong decision had such a long-reaching result. Sad.

Dear Chris

You didn't have to die. No matter how hopeless you thought your life was, or would be, all you had to do was tell someone. Anyone. We could have fixed it. Sure, thoughts of the future are scary, and were probably more scary with your challenges, but you didn't have to make all of your decisions right away. You could have taken some time to see what jobs you were interested in. You could have stayed in school longer. You didn't have to worry about moving out. If you wanted to try living away from home, you could have lived with any of us for awhile. It would have been a good way to transition. See? Everything is fixed. All you had to do was say something.

better

I feel a little better today. I went to Aunt Betty's house, and met with her and my cousins Rhona and Andrea. We ate pizza, and looked at old photos, and reminisced. After the cousins left, I talked with Betty and Dave for quite awhile, and I felt better. On the way home, I went to Tommy's for dinner. I never went to this location with Chris, but just being at Tommy's made me think of him. I didn't feel like crying, though. I read in "How To Survive the Loss of a Love" that the healing process is not a straight, smooth progression; it's more like a lightning bolt, with ups and downs, progressions and regressions, dramatic leaps and depressing backslides. This will help me when I feel like I'm not progressing as quickly as I hope.

a good aunt?

I got a sympathy card at work today, signed by many of my co-workers. I haven't been able to read it all yet - it's just too hard. One friend said that she was sorry to hear about my nephew, and "you were such a great aunt". I started to cry. I guess I wasn't a very good aunt. I just can't believe that Chris didn't feel that he could talk to me.

freerice.com

Chris was a math genius. I used to think of him every time I went to freerice.com and answered math questions. 3 + 2, 5 - 5, really tough questions like that, but every correct answer donates 10 grains of rice to the hungry. Now, of course, it is very bittersweet to go to that website. I can't answer the questions without thinking of Chris, and sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry. I think I always will.

always there

I went to the grocery store today, for about an hour. I had a list, and a store flyer, and coupons, and the store was unfamiliar to me, so I should have been distracted. But I wasn't. Chris was never out of my thoughts for more than a minute. Thoughts of him are always there. How long does this last?

cemetery

I went to the cemetery today. I had been there twice before, but this was the first time I went alone. It was very hard, but it felt good to talk to Chris. I tried to not cry, but was horribly unsuccessful. I cried, I sobbed, I dripped tears on his grave. I tried to not be too negative, but I had to ask him why he didn't tell me. I always thought that he could talk to me about anything, so I just can't understand why he would keep such terrible secrets from me. I told him to take care of Aunt Barbara, and that she will take care of him. I know that he probably can't hear anything that we say or think about him, but I hope that he somehow feels the love that we have for him. Chris was such a remarkable man, and the world is a sadder place with his absence.

Words

horrifying
pain
debillitating
loss
deliberate
tragedy
forever
mistake
crying
sad
violent
desperation
horror
dead
shock
regret
torture
guilt
tragic
blame
heartbreak
sorry
sympathy
despair
final
cold
alone
numb
wrong
weight
sob
prayer
devastated
disbelief
grief
gone
unbearable

So many words, but none are enough

Chris' closet

I went through Chris' closet today, and I cried. Some of the relatives have been invited to take Chris' t-shirts, so today I looked through his closet. I took a shirt that he got for a hockey championship, and also a shirt that he bought in Victoria. We were there in May 2009 when we cruised on Splendor. That was where he had his first legal drink, since the drinking age in British Columbia is 19. He was so happy on that cruise, and had so much fun, and I can't imagine what changed in 19 months. Or did I really not notice? Could I have been so blind? The questions continue, and there will never be any answers. And I cry.

14 1/2

It's been fourteen and a half days. Fourteen and a half days since my beloved nephew Chris left us. Fourteen and a half days since hopelessness and despair convinced him to end his life. Now the despair is mine. I'm left with questions that will never be answered, and a pain that will likely never go away completely.

I sleep longer now, so it must be getting better. I can eat now, and I even get hungry sometimes, so I must be feeling better. I don't cry as much, but I know that I won't ever be the same. How can anything ever be the same?