CSF

I drove past Cal State Fullerton today, and I told Chris that he should be there. He should be in the math building, learning, and getting ready to do wonderful things in the world. Instead, I'm crying as I drive down the 57. This is so unfair.

short cut

I tried to go to the movies today (line was too long.) As I got close to the short cut street, I remembered telling Chris about the short cut. We had gone to this theater many times, and then I found out about a short cut from Dad. The first time that Chris and I went after that was last June, and Chris was driving, so I told him which streets to turn on. He was so excited when we got there! He just loved that short cut! We used it a couple more times in June and July, and it never failed to excite him. I just can't match that Chris, so excited about something so small, and the Chris who thought that life didn't hold any joy for him. I wish he could have focused on the joy.

I love you Chris

Every day, I tell Chris that I love him. Out loud. I only hope he hears or feels it.

breathing better

I seem to be breathing better lately. For the first three weeks or so, I didn't seem to be able to take a deep enough breath. Sometimes I would take a breath, and realize that I hadn't been breathing for awhile. I read somewhere that every breath you take has air that has been breathed by every person who ever lived. It helps to think about that, that I'm breathing in Chris' air.

worse today

Physically I feel better today, but I may have overdone it. I went to the computer lab and to class, which is mentally taxing. When I got home, I went for a 30-minute walk, and I cried through most of it. I know it's because I'm tired, and hungry, and sick, but knowing that didn't stop the crying. I'm feeling a little angry with Chris today, which is normal I know, but being angry makes me sadder. Wow, am I messed up.

better today than yesterday

Today has been better, physically better and less crying. Yesterday in Diane's book I read about thinking positive, which doesn't seem possible, but there was one sentence that I thought about. "If you're already in a dark state, think of one positive thing in your life until it becomes magnified into the central focus of your being, until it fills you with light." The only positive thing in my life is that I'm happy that I knew Chris. The thought hasn't exactly filled me with light, but I do feel better.

1 month

Chris died one month ago today. It's been a very hard day. I've cried more today than I had the past week combined. It did occur to me today, though, that regardless of the pain, I'm still glad that I knew Chris, and that I had 21 years with him. The next 21 years are going to unbearably difficult, I know, but I need to try to remember the good things, as well as the tragic ending.

sick

I saw my doctor today, and I have shingles. It's a rash on my forehead and in my scalp, and a big blister on my right eyebrow, and my right eye is swollen about half shut. Shingles is a form of chicken pox. The chicken pox virus stays dormant in your body, and stress can make the virus come back as shingles. I have a huge headache, and most of my face itches. It can cause blindness, and can cause pain for months. It's cost me $124 in medication and an office visit, and I missed work today and will again on Friday, and maybe longer. There will also be at least one more office visit, and possible more medication. All because of the stress of Chris' death. Obviously it never occurred to him that he would cause such physical pain to his loved ones. I wish he had realized it.

rituals

I have a couple of routines that have helped me. One, is that I wish on a star every night. I wish that Chris is at peace, and happy, and knows that he is loved. The other routine is on my daily walk. My paternal grandparents lived in a townhouse really close to where I live, and I pass by it every time I walk. I touch the fence as I walk by, and I ask the relatives who have passed to hug Chris, and make sure that he feels loved. I don't know if it really helps, but it makes me feel better.

flowers

Every day, I have to toss wilted flowers. 10 days ago I collected a bunch of flowers from the arrangements at the gravesite, and I have them in vases all over the house. But now they're dying. Every flower I throw away hurts me. It's silly, because Chris never even saw these flowers, but every dead flower is another pain in my heart. It's just a few hours until 4 weeks, and I still cry everyday. And I still can't believe that he's gone.

an hour and a half

I didn't think about Chris for an hour and a half tonight. That's the longest that I haven't thought about him for the last 26 days. I started a new class tonight, and I had to really concentrate on what the instructor was saying. I realized how long it had been at the break. After that, I felt worse. I don't think that I feel guilty, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. This is so hard.

Chris' sister

Amanda just posted "i miss you so much chris, why did you have to leave?" on facebook. She has written to Chris several times on facebook and on the legacy obituary. You can read the pain in everything she writes, and it hurts me so much. No one should have to endure this much suffering, especially a 16-year-old sister who loved and admired her brother. Why did Chris do this to her? Did he even think about her? Or did he think that she wouldn't care? He was so wrong.

hockey rink

I went to hockey rink today for the first time since Chris died. The last time I was there was to watch Chris play. It was very hard. I kept remembering him skating on the rink, and sitting in the scorers box. It's just inconceivable that I won't see him there again. One nice thing - the rink has a retired jersey with his name that stays in the scorers box that he usually worked. Any of the players can take his jersey to their bench if they want. Kevin had it on his bench during his game, and then one of Chris' former coaches took it for his game. Very cool. It's just sad, though, that Chris never realized how much he was loved.

a call from Carol

My friend Carol called today to see how I'm doing. We talked about what a shock this is to everyone. She said that she is now really worried, since she has boys about Chris' age, who are also very intelligent, like he was. Carol never even knew Chris, yet his suicide has affected her life. One wrong decision had such a long-reaching result. Sad.

Dear Chris

You didn't have to die. No matter how hopeless you thought your life was, or would be, all you had to do was tell someone. Anyone. We could have fixed it. Sure, thoughts of the future are scary, and were probably more scary with your challenges, but you didn't have to make all of your decisions right away. You could have taken some time to see what jobs you were interested in. You could have stayed in school longer. You didn't have to worry about moving out. If you wanted to try living away from home, you could have lived with any of us for awhile. It would have been a good way to transition. See? Everything is fixed. All you had to do was say something.

better

I feel a little better today. I went to Aunt Betty's house, and met with her and my cousins Rhona and Andrea. We ate pizza, and looked at old photos, and reminisced. After the cousins left, I talked with Betty and Dave for quite awhile, and I felt better. On the way home, I went to Tommy's for dinner. I never went to this location with Chris, but just being at Tommy's made me think of him. I didn't feel like crying, though. I read in "How To Survive the Loss of a Love" that the healing process is not a straight, smooth progression; it's more like a lightning bolt, with ups and downs, progressions and regressions, dramatic leaps and depressing backslides. This will help me when I feel like I'm not progressing as quickly as I hope.

a good aunt?

I got a sympathy card at work today, signed by many of my co-workers. I haven't been able to read it all yet - it's just too hard. One friend said that she was sorry to hear about my nephew, and "you were such a great aunt". I started to cry. I guess I wasn't a very good aunt. I just can't believe that Chris didn't feel that he could talk to me.

freerice.com

Chris was a math genius. I used to think of him every time I went to freerice.com and answered math questions. 3 + 2, 5 - 5, really tough questions like that, but every correct answer donates 10 grains of rice to the hungry. Now, of course, it is very bittersweet to go to that website. I can't answer the questions without thinking of Chris, and sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry. I think I always will.

always there

I went to the grocery store today, for about an hour. I had a list, and a store flyer, and coupons, and the store was unfamiliar to me, so I should have been distracted. But I wasn't. Chris was never out of my thoughts for more than a minute. Thoughts of him are always there. How long does this last?

cemetery

I went to the cemetery today. I had been there twice before, but this was the first time I went alone. It was very hard, but it felt good to talk to Chris. I tried to not cry, but was horribly unsuccessful. I cried, I sobbed, I dripped tears on his grave. I tried to not be too negative, but I had to ask him why he didn't tell me. I always thought that he could talk to me about anything, so I just can't understand why he would keep such terrible secrets from me. I told him to take care of Aunt Barbara, and that she will take care of him. I know that he probably can't hear anything that we say or think about him, but I hope that he somehow feels the love that we have for him. Chris was such a remarkable man, and the world is a sadder place with his absence.

Words

horrifying
pain
debillitating
loss
deliberate
tragedy
forever
mistake
crying
sad
violent
desperation
horror
dead
shock
regret
torture
guilt
tragic
blame
heartbreak
sorry
sympathy
despair
final
cold
alone
numb
wrong
weight
sob
prayer
devastated
disbelief
grief
gone
unbearable

So many words, but none are enough

Chris' closet

I went through Chris' closet today, and I cried. Some of the relatives have been invited to take Chris' t-shirts, so today I looked through his closet. I took a shirt that he got for a hockey championship, and also a shirt that he bought in Victoria. We were there in May 2009 when we cruised on Splendor. That was where he had his first legal drink, since the drinking age in British Columbia is 19. He was so happy on that cruise, and had so much fun, and I can't imagine what changed in 19 months. Or did I really not notice? Could I have been so blind? The questions continue, and there will never be any answers. And I cry.

14 1/2

It's been fourteen and a half days. Fourteen and a half days since my beloved nephew Chris left us. Fourteen and a half days since hopelessness and despair convinced him to end his life. Now the despair is mine. I'm left with questions that will never be answered, and a pain that will likely never go away completely.

I sleep longer now, so it must be getting better. I can eat now, and I even get hungry sometimes, so I must be feeling better. I don't cry as much, but I know that I won't ever be the same. How can anything ever be the same?