song 2

How do I

Get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything good in my Life.

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?.

Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And I
Baby I don't know what I would do
I would be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?...

From "How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood

song 1

Sometimes, I hear song lyrics that tell just what I'm thinking. Yesterday I heard "That Ain't No Way To Go" by Brooks and Dunn.

Getting nowhere, I'm tired of thinking
Guess I'll do a little wishful dreaming
And make a whiskey wish upon a star
Train whistle blowing down the tracks
Lonesome sound says she ain't coming back
It's such a cold blow from out of the dark

That ain't no way to go. No, it just ain't right
Don't you think that I deserve to hear you say goodbye
That ain't no way to go. Was it all a lie
After all this time, that ain't no way to go

everywhere I go

Everywhere I go, it seems, I see someplace that reminds me of Chris. Yesterday, it was IHOP on Tustin. The last time I was there was October 2009. Chris and I had tried to go on a comp stand-by cruise, but there were no cabins available. The rest of his family was going to IHOP, so Chris and I met them there. We had a great evening, and Chris and I talked to them about where we should go instead. (We ended up going to Vegas). I wonder how long it will be before I don't think about him everytime I pass someplace that I've been with him?

Amanda's poem

To Chris and Erin:
You meant so much to all of us
You were special and that's no lie
You brightened up the darkest day
And the cloudiest sky
Your smile alone warmed hearts
Your laugh was like music to hear
I would give absolutely anything
To have you well and standing near
Not a second passes
When you're not on our minds
Your love we will never forget
The hurt will ease in time
Many tears I have seen and cried
They have all poured out like rain
I know that you are happy now
And no longer in any pain.
Love you both.

By: Amanda Emery
posted on facebook.com

sad night

I had a sad night last night. Kevin wrote on facebook about missing his brother, and it made me cry. For over an hour, and I couldn't seem to stop. I got pretty mad at Chris, too. I looked at his picture, and said "I hope you're happy." I'm not sure that I'm that angry with him, but it's normal to feel that way on occasion. I had to take a sleeping pill, and then I couldn't wake up today. I was mostly in bed until about 5pm. I hope there won't be many more of these sad nights.

Kevin Emery, facebook.com 4-20-11, 1:30am, "I miss my brother..."

Tommy's

I went to Tommy's in Fountain Valley today, first time that I've been there since Chris died. I had gone there with him many, many times over the years. It was okay. I didn't feel his presence or anything, but I'm sure that he would be okay with me being okay there. I'm not sure when I'll be able to go to Tommy's in L.A. though. We think that's the last place that he went, so it would be very tough to be there, and think about what he must have been thinking about. I wish he was here to go to Tommy's with me again.

talking to a coworker

I was talking to a coworker yesterday morning, and she asked about how the family is doing. Since we had time to talk, I told her about Chris having Asperger's. She said that she is familiar with it, because her sister's 14-year-old son has it too. She said that she would tell her sister about Chris, so that she can "keep an eye on her son." I told her to do more than keep an eye on him. She should assume that he will be suicidal, and act as if he will try to commit suicide at any time. I would say the same to anyone with a family member with Asperger's. Maybe someone else can be saved from this tragedy.

not sleeping again

I'm still not sleeping very well. Five nights now. Last night, instead of going to bed on time, I stayed up and got very tired. Then I started to cry. Once I started crying, then I couldn't sleep. Vicious cycle. I felt very depressed about everything. I felt very alone and isolated, probably like Chris felt, but my depression is because of him. I hate that the main thing I remember about Chris is his death.

Spirit in the Sky

Set me up with the spirit in the sky

That's where I'm gonna go when I die

When I die and they lay me to rest

I'm gonna go to the place that's the best.

lyrics to "Spirit in the Sky"

Christmas morning

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past two nights. I think I know why. Kevin sent me an English paper that he wrote about Chris and Asperger’s, and Christmas morning. He wrote about hearing my sister-in-law Julie talking to someone from the Sheriff’s Department. The next thing he remembers is being with Amanda in her room, and my brother Don came in sobbing, saying “He’s dead. He’s dead.” The pain and grief that Don is feeling is unimaginable. My heart breaks every time I think about him. His life will never be okay again. Like the rest of us. And it makes me mad again. What was Chris thinking? Was he thinking? Did he really think that he would just go away and everything would be okay?