Two months

It's been two months since we lost Chris. I'm still so incredibly sad almost all the time. Several times a day, sometimes many times a day, I'll realize that I'm never going to see him, and it makes me so sad. It hurts in my chest, and down to my bones. Still.

posthumous degree

Chris' family found out this week that the math department at Cal State Fullerton is going to award him a posthumous degree. It'll be very nice for his family. I'm still shocked to find out that Chris took all his finals just a week and a half before he took his life. Why bother is you're not going to be around? That's what leads us to believe that even though he may have been considering this for a long time, the choice of date was a recent decision.

Chris was my friend

I realized last night/this morning that one of the reasons that I'm so upset about Chris' death is that I haven't just lost a family member, I also lost a friend. Chris and I were friends too. We spend a lot of time together, going to movies and other places. We even went on a week-long cruise, and had a wonderful time together. We had so many more things to do...

tattoo

Julie got a tattoo. She posted it on facebook today. It's a ribbon with Chris written on it. I don't think I would want a tattoo like hers, but I think I will get one someday. Mom said, though, that no one should make any big decisions for at least a year. I decided that that would be wise, so I'll wait and see how I feel after a year.

If I Could Turn Back Time

At lunch today, my co-workers were talking about one of them singing "If I Could Turn Back Time" at karaoke. Someone mentioned that it would be wonderful if we could turn back time, and asked when we would want to go back in time to. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to depress our lunch conversation, but I would do anything, absolutely anything to go back two months, and stop this from happening. Anything!

Show Me the Way

Last night, Linda took me to a Dennis DeYoung concert. He did all Styx songs, and it was fun. I realized during the concert that it was the first time that I have had fun in 8 weeks. It was good to enjoy myself, and even better that I realized it while it was happening. One sad moment though. A few songs in, he played "Show Me the Way." This was one of Chris' favorite songs, and it was played before the memorial service. I had a few tears but didn't sob like I would have expected.

Redlands

I went out to Redlands this morning, to the place where Chris died. It was hard, but not as hard as I expected, I guess because there is no physical evidence of him like there is at the cemetery. I needed to go there, even though I knew it wouldn't answer any questions. In fact, I have more questions now. Why did he pick this location? He couldn't have seen it from the freeway, so it was either an accident, or he picked it for a reason. I figured out a couple of places that could have been the exact spot that he died, and I left flowers at both spots. I wish I could understand his thinking. I don't think I'll need to go back there very often, but I do think I want to drive it at night, in case it looks different. We don't know if he went directly from home, or if he went to Tommy's first, so I may have to try that itinerary also.

denial

I got two books today about surviving the loss of a loved one. Both mention that "denial" is one of the stages of grief. I don't think I've gotten past that one, because I still can't believe that this happened. I shake my head several times a day in disbelief. One of the books has a chapter for survivors of death by suicide, and I think it's going to help.

Valentine's decorations

I went to the cemetery today, first time since January 10. The marker isn't there yet. I wonder how long it takes? I left a Valentine's balloon that says "I love you" and some flowers. Most of the flowers at the store were pinks and pastels for Valentine's Day, which Chris would have hated, so I picked a bunch that had lots of white flowers. Not too girlie, I hope. After I left the cemetery, I heard Living' On a Prayer on the radio. It made me feel better, so I figure it must have been from Chris.

Ben

I cried tonight over an episode of Friends. It was the one when Ross' son Ben was born, and Ross' sister Monica was so excited to meet her new nephew. I remembered the day that Chris was born. He thought about arriving on August 14, so I drove to Torrance in rush-hour traffic, only to find out that his mom Julie had been sent home. He finally got here on August 15, and it was amazing. I never imagined that I would only have 21 years with him. The pain is still unimaginable.

when is closure?

I had an opportunity today to sit in Chris' room, alone, for awhile. I cried, of course. I touched his karate belts, which are still on his wall, and it made me sad all over again. I looked at all of his trophies, and some of his clothes. I heard a mention on TV about closure, and it made me wonder. When will I feel it, and what will it feel like? I know that I can't grieve like this forever, but when will it get better?

DL

It's been a few days since I wrote. Mom was here last week; she wanted to spend time with Don and his family. We all went to Disneyland on Saturday. It was nice to have fun with family, but it was sad too. Chris and I spent a lot of time at the parks. Indiana Jones was one of his favorite rides, and that was the hardest. I guess it's just as well that I don't have an annual pass anymore. I don't know when I'll be able to go back there without crying. Yesterday was the annual Superbowl party. Chris had gone to this party since he was small. He should have been there. Instead, he's been buried for a month.

February

It's February, thank goodness. January is over. What a horrible month.

I saw Airplane! at The Block this evening. The last time I was there was with Chris. He would have loved to have gone with me. How long before I stop thinking about him everywhere I go?