3 months

Yesterday was 3 months since we lost Chris. I felt very sad all day. Don, his dad, wrote on facebook: "Another month has gone by and your room is empty; the house longs for your laugh and we all miss you so very much. Rest peacefully, Chris. You are loved."

Again, I am left with anger and questions and sadness. Did Chris really think that he would just go away, and no one would miss him?

better?

I guess I'm getting better. I don't cry every day, but I still get teary-eyed a few times a day. My chest still hurts, just not as much. My heart, though, still feels like it's been ripped out of my body. I can't believe this has happened. It just can't sink in.

poem 5

From "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

"The forgetting

is difficult.

The remembering,

worse."

poem 4

From "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

A new morning

of a

new life

without you.

So?

There will be others

much finer,

much mine-er.

And until then,

there is me.

And because I treated

you

well.

I like me better.

Also, the sun rises.

poem 3

From "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

It will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

You came.

We loved.

You left.

I will survive until I survive.

And one day I will

find

myself alive again.

My Immortal

Tomasina did "My Immortal" at Disneyland last night, as reported on facebook. Chris had the song on his ipod, so we think that he liked the song, and they played it before his memorial service.

"These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase."

affirmation

My affirmation is "I will survive. My life is worth living." I cried the first two times I said it, but then it got better. Time will tell if it helps.

support group

I went to a support group meeting at Fairhaven today. It was good for me, although I cried through most of it. One woman from Fairhaven was very kind, and hugged me when I got there and before I left. Very nice. The minister talked for a bit, mostly about "affirmations." He suggests having a phrase that you repeat to yourself many times a day, something positive. It's a good idea. I'll be thinking about a good phrase. He mentioned that the normal person has to repeat their story 42 times for it to help them. Wow, 42 times. I've got a lot of talking to do! One woman at my table said that she got good advice from her brother. He told her, "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." She thinks about that now. Every day she tells herself that she's taken another bite out of the elephant. Another woman kinda pissed me off, which is probably good. The minister mentioned something about telling yourself that your life is worth living, and this woman said that she feels that her life isn't worth living, because her husband is gone. I thought to myself, does that mean that my entire life isn't worth living, since I've never been married? Oh well. I'll go back in April. They also gave me a suggestion for a suicide survivors group, so I'll check that out too.

video

I watched one of my youtube videos today. It was from the cruise that Chris and I took in May 2009 on Carnival Splendor. I was following him down the hall to our cabin, then he opened the door and I filmed the inside of the cabin. As I started watching it, I thought to myself "oh, that's Chris", and then it was "oh no, that's Chris." I've seen lots of pictures of him since he died, but this was the first video I've seen of him. He looked just like Chris. The same as always. It made me sad. We'll never go on another cruise again. I had really hoped to see Alaska with him someday.

poem 2

From "How To Survive the Loss of a Love":

all I need is

someone to

talk to

about

you

but

you

are the

only person

I can really

talk to.

trapped.

nightmare

I still feel like I'm living in a nightmare, and I can't wake up.

Mr. Roboto

I have a song finally. See, my friend Theresa died almost 10 years ago, and I have a song that always reminds me of her. There's a song called "Shut Up and Drive" that had lines that we both connected with. Everytime I hear the song on the radio, I think that Theresa is playing it for me. For more than two months, I've been thinking about which song would be Chris'. I thought about and eliminated several, but finally decided on Styx' "Mr. Roboto." Chris loved that song, and I always disliked it, and it made for some interesting conversations. Whenever we would see 80z All Stars, we would talk about which songs they would play, and he always wanted Mr. Roboto. As soon as they started playing it, Chris would get this big grin on his face and would make fun of me. So if we have a song, and if Chris has the ability to play a song for me, it has to be Mr. Roboto.

The Tourist

I went to see The Tourist today, at the dollar theater. There was a great plot twist, and I knew towards the end of the movie that I would have to go back and see it again. As I left the theater, I thought to myself, "Chris would have really liked that movie."

poem

From the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"

To lose you as a

love

was painful.

To lose you as a

friend

is equally painful.

But lost you are.